Well, finally I have a minute ( sort of ) to sit and write . It’s unfortunate now that to write I have to write it down to remember .. I can remember when writing was so enjoyable and so natural to me (it was just like breathing )it was so exciting to write . I had so many things to say ; teeming around in my head.. various ideas and dreams and thoughts and wishes.. ah…. I could hardly keep from my notebook and now.. I ..sheesh;? I suppose I am wistful and pensive .. But.. I would never have to write it down as a chore or task . It would be a chore or task to keep FROM it …
But I am getting back into writing .. I will never let my living or mental state keep me from it again . My anxiety got so bad where I began to view writing from that same panic stricken ledge..and I would dread it automatically; the way I had begun to dread everything in my life . It sucks being alone if you’re not used to it . And then suddenly realizing that you AYS WERE ALONE; even when you were not.. that you’d been slowly isolated until you find that you are all alone and the people who surround you whom you consider friends are anything but..and you feel stupid and wonder why your perception was so grossly off ? You couldn’t perceive the fake smiles and malicious thoughts and intentions ..) I did pick up on the falseness though. Yes you are surrounded by people who hate you and you don’t know why( no one has ever hated me ) I don’t particularly care that the people actually hate me and only pretend to be my friends ; because just the type of people they are are very undesirable to me.. unsavory .. blueew!! But why must they be around me and why does it seem I can never be left alone any more? What are they afraid of if I am left to myself ? I have two instances I can list here: one ) a girl I just met when out with my EX FAKE friend Audrey “polley “, asked me once , when Audrey disappeared in search of the Lou “ How come you always have to be supervised?” As she finished saying this I felt shivers run down my spine and I slowly brought my eyes to meet hers as my heart began to thump heavier ; doused as it was in dread; because instinctively I knew this to be true .
Once I looked her in the eye and gauged her question to be innocent enough and truly of an inquisitive nature( not condescending or trickery ) , I asked her, “ what makes you say that ?” She seemed to quickly realize a faux pas and with eyes that danced around meeting my gaze said “ oh just something that other lady was telling me, that you couldn’t be left alone.”
THE SECOND INCIDENT was after I had known Scott for long enough to be over the “ I think he’s cool phase “ and into the phase where I knew something was wrong with him; thought he was possibly malicious ; but I couldn’t yet tell what . One day he looked at me and said in a flat monotonous voice which did not disguise the fact that he was being condescending,” So who are your handlers?” I became immediately angry and knew at once what he was talking about and what he meant and as he began to act dumb to what I was talking about and act as if that were just an innocent and casual question he asked people routinely .. I knew I was in for a long and precarious journey.. I did not know why or how .. but I was completely right . I am so tired . Life is stupid , tainting and dangerous .. I keep looking for answers but to keep in mind my browsers are controlled and whoever writes whatever they want in there for me to believe it’s all automated actually so I don’t know if I can believe what I’m reading at any point and I know they have done it with me several times before already , but for what I am trying to understand and grasp onto lately is that it is an active X environment. Pages I visit are really something else entirely underneath .. for instance, a tor browser. I was looking at and thinking of downloading earlier. I’m glad I didn’t, and looked up the developers options on it, because it was not a tor browser page at all, but it was a silent, crypto page and betting? Me to go off on trying to search it down to keep me distracted from what is really going on I’ve had for like 20 million website stolen from me usual as an opportunity to make money taken away .. I am SO TIRED OF IT I AM GOING TO JUMP FOR JOY
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